Teaching kids how to handle adversity

One of the defining moments in my youngest son’s life occurred on a Saturday a few years ago. He had been working hard for over two years to earn his black belt in Taekwondo and was participating in an all-city testing event to determine if he was ready. He executed his kicks and moves flawlessly during the day and you could feel the tension and excitement growing as the kids approached the final test: breaking a board with a flying kick. The students had two chances to break the board and his first kick failed. There was enormous pressure on him at the end of this long day to break the board or he would not earn his black belt and have to wait another four months to be re-tested. His turn came and with a determined look in his eyes, he began to run towards the instructors who were holding the board in their hands. He leaped into the air, cocked his leg and lashed out with his foot at the board. The whole scene seemed to be in slow motion as we watched the board bend slightly, but not break. He mistimed the kick and his second chance to break the board had failed-he would not be leaving with the coveted black belt that day. As it turned out, the other six kids in his age group also failed to break the board. We wondered how our son would react to this disappointment.

We walked over and hugged him, noticing the upset children in his group being consoled by their parents. To our great surprise, he was stoic about the whole thing: “That’s ok, I will just practice harder and take the test again.” We were blown away by his mature response and thanked him for being so grown up about what had happened. To bring this story to conclusion, he worked hard over the next four months and broke the board at the next testing and earned his black belt. It meant a great deal to him, especially since he failed in his first attempt. That black belt represented in his young mind something he wanted and he worked very hard to earn it. His failed first attempt was simply an obstacle he had to overcome. Imagine what would have happened if the officials running that first testing had said, “You all tried really hard and you each deserve to get a black belt today.” What lessons would our son have learned if he had been given a reward that he did not earn? Does the real (adult) world give awards for trying hard?

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