Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Lots Of Thots For You're 4th...
What follows is our twice-yearly compilation of Thots from the last six months of Funnies.
~ A: One. Q: How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb?
~ A boy in Sunday School was asked to recite the Golden Rule: "Do one to others as others do one to you."
~ A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
~ A friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg even though you might be slightly cracked.
~ A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
~ A mother can touch a whole generation just by loving her own child well.
~ A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs.
~ A sure way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
~ Aim low. Reach your goals. Avoid disappointment.
~ An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
~ And now, for my most amazing feat today, I shall turn water into coffee! (And then I will make it disappear.)
~ By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong.
~ Coffee's a great way to fool yourself into believing you're going to have a productive day.
~ Dad: "As long as you're living under my roof you're gonna do what I tell you." Teenage son: "Then I'm gonna go on the roof."
~ Definition of a committee: A group of the unworthy, appointed by the unwilling, to do the unnecessary.
~ Did you hear about the optimist who managed to fall off the top of the Empire State Building? As he passed each floor he was heard yelling, "So far so good!"
~ Do not believe in miracles...rely on them.
~ Don't be discouraged. It's often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock.
~ Don't play stupid with me. I'm better at it.
~ Easter is when everybody dresses up for Jesus' big coming out party.
~ Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
~ Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
~ Flexible people never get bent out of shape.
~ Four things you can't recover: The STONE after the throw. The WORD after it's said. The OCCASION after it's missed. The TIME after it's gone.
~ Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day watching waves go by.
~ Good Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Easter. Bad Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Christmas.
~ He who laughs at himself never runs out of things to laugh at.
~ Help someone when they are in trouble and he will remember you when he's in trouble again.
~ Here's to love - the only fire for which there is no insurance.
~ How do you know you've met a good tax accountant? He has a loophole named after him.
~ I had to quit my job crushing soft drink cans. It was soda pressing.
~ I just got a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people around the world. I told them to forget it. Anybody who fits into my clothes ain't starving.
~ I went skiing with a whole bunch of psychoanalysts. I never saw so many Freudians slip.
~ I went to a doctor and he told me I was overweight. I told him I wanted a second opinion. He said, Okay, you're ugly too.
~ I'd like to be the ideal mother, but I'm too busy raising my kids.
~ I'm starting to really struggle with my New Year's resolution. I ran around the block six times this morning as I had resolved, but I was in so much pain I could barely pick the block up off the floor to put it back in the toy box!
~ I've gone away to find myself. Should I return before I get back, please keep me here.
~ I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember.
~ If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
~ If evolution really works, how come mothers still have only two hands?
~ If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
~ If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?
~ If you really want to make a long story short, don't tell it.
~ In the future, I'll tell my grandchildren that I am older than the internet and blow their minds forever.
~ In theory, everything works.
~ Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
~ It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
~ It's Leap Day! Remember to set your clocks back 24 hours.
~ Keep the faith...but not from others!
~ Lots of people make sense. I'd rather make dollars.
~ Love may not make the world spin around, but it certainly makes a lot of people dizzy.
~ Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
~ Mental floss prevents truth decay.
~ Money does not buy happiness, but it's a lot more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
~ Money does not talk. It goes without saying.
~ Mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to prove that sleep is unnecessary for human existence.
~ My brain is like a sponge. Full of holes.
~ My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
~ My friend thinks he knows everything. He said that onions were the only food that makes you cry. So I threw a coconut at his head.
~ "My greatest fear in life is that no-one will remember me after I'm dead." - Some dead guy
~ Never beat a pillow, when it's down.
~ Never try to out-stubborn a cat.
~ Never try to outwit a woman unless you are one.
~ No one is listening, until you make a mistake.
~ No sense being pessimistic; it probably won't work anyway.
~ Normal is only a setting on your dryer.
~ Normal people worry me.
~ Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
~ Of all the things that I've ever lost, I miss my mind the least.
~ Oh, just realized yesterday was March 4th. I love March 4th--it's not just a date, it's a command...
~ Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
~ Old is always fifteen years older than I am.
~ Old is what my classmates look like.
~ On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK!
~ On the other hand, nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
~ One man's red tape is another man's system.
~ One-seventh of your life is spent on Mondays.
~ One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh paint.
~ Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
~ Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
~ Outside of traffic, there is nothing that holds this country back as much as committees.
~ Outside of traffic, there is nothing that holds this country back as much as committees.
~ People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.
~ People say I'm weird, but I'm just practicing to become eccentric.
~ Prayer is not just a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in trouble; it is also a "steering wheel" that directs us in the right path throughout life.
~ Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
~ Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
~ Q: How can you stop people from stealing your bagels? A: Lox.
~ Q. What do people in Texas call sushi? A. Bait.
~ Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes? A: A fsh.
~ Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an atheist? A: Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.
~ Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
~ Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
~ Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
~ Remember...amateurs built the Ark. It was experts that built the Titanic.
~ Remember, stressed spelled backwards is desserts!
~ Remember, you can't have everything. Where would you keep it?
~ Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!
~ Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.
~ Shot my first turkey yesterday - scared everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome! Gettin' old is so much fun...
~ Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
~ Sign under a mounted fish: If I had kept my mouth shut, I wouldn't be here.
~ Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.
~ Smash head on keyboard to continue.
~ Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
~ Some people won't suffer in silence because that would take all the pleasure out of it.
~ Text of the times: Daughter: I love you, Mom! Mom: Sorry. I have no money. Try it with your dad.
~ The dirtier the diaper is, the itchier your nose gets while changing it.
~ The only time you make a mistake is when you don't learn from it.
~ The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
~ The things that come to those who wait are the things left by those who got there first.
~ The truth of the matter is that you always know the right thing to do. The hard part is doing it.
~ The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.
~ There is no exception to the rule that every rule has an exception.
~ Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.
~ We had a great time in the kitchen the other night. We boiled up some hyena bones and made ourselves a laughing stock.
~ What's the worst thing about buying a new boomerang? Throwing away the old one.
~ When dad blows his big top, make sure you're not on the high wire.
~ When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
~ When your parakeet sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
~ Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?
~ Why do we choose from just two people to run for President and fifty for Miss America?
~ Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?
~ With high-definition TV everything looks bigger and wider. Kind of like going to your 25th high school reunion.
~ You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.
PASS IT ON!
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Posted by Deacon Gerry at 9:21 AM