Here's to all you faithful fathers

Mommy Life:



I remember the day my dad left. He hugged me and cried, but even deep in his last embrace, I felt a chill gathering round me, whispering to my little girl's heart: What would it be like not to have a father?

The years to come provided harsh answers. Mine was not a carefree childhood. Shuffled with two brothers between foster homes and relatives and - when things worked out - my overwhelmed mother, I saw innocence give way early to a cynic's worldview: Don't depend on anyone and no one will disappoint you.

Ask the fatherless, they'll probably agree that the loss and defenses don't end when you grow up. Beneath the glossy, too-tight scar tissue lies too much tenderness.

Now 50-some years later, way too many share the same scars as a million kids suffer the pain of their parents' divorce annually. Every night one quarter of our country's children go to bed without a dad.

And while conventional wisdom may deem it better to go to bed without a dad than to listen to squabbling parents, those who've been there tend to see it differently.

Not long ago, I heard one 30-something mom confront another, recently separated, with this child's eye-view: "I'd rather have had my parents stay together - even fighting - than to have my dad ripped out of our home." Even with the hindsight to see how unsuited her parents truly were for each other, she still wished they'd stuck it out.

That flies in the face of everything divorcing parents want to believe - especially these days when fatherhood is given such short shrift. One survey found that 50 percent of divorced mothers see no value in a father's continued contact with his children.

And yet, studies of fatherlessness tell a different story. The National Center for Health Statistics has found that children living with divorced mothers are four times more likely to need professional treatment for emotional or behavioral problems, twice as likely to repeat a grade at school, and more likely to suffer chronic asthma, frequent headaches, bedwetting, stammering or speech defects, anxiety, depression or hyperactivity.

Children growing up without dads, according to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, are more likely to be delinquent and twice as likely to end up in prison.

How ironic then, that in our zeal for lifestyle validation, we have, in the words of author Cathy Young, "Proclaim[ed] the fatherless household to be just another wonderful addition to the mosaic of diversity."

I well remember the idea of the expendability of fathers being touted in the '70s by radical feminists such as Shulamith Firestone. What was regarded then as fringe political theory - like countless other counterculturisms - morphed in less than a generation into mainstream thought. Which goes a long way to explaining why two-thirds of today's divorces involving children are initiated by mothers.

But should we be surprised? Times have certainly changed. Surveys show that today's men are more inclined to stay in a troubled marriage for the sake of the children. Perhaps they remember something many seem to have forgotten: the worth of a father.

Having lost my own at an early age, I didn't know the worth of a father either - not until I could see it up close and personal in the joyful well-being of my daughters who are growing up with one now.

And so, on this Father's Day I'm thinking that dads do so much more than we give them credit for, so much more than we can measure. And even though I don't have one myself, I still mean to celebrate Father's Day.

And so should we all: Celebrate the valiant men who've learned to change diapers and burp babies and throw baseballs and help with homework and tough it out, no matter what.

Celebrate the men who ignore the world's urgings: "Follow your dreams." "If it feels good, do it." "Have it your way."

Celebrate those faithful ones who keep their commitments and give their wives and children the security of knowing they will never leave.

Let's face it, being a dad can be a drag. No one issues you a uniform, salutes when you enter the room, or rewards you with a chestful of medals. Fatherhood is hardly a life of adventure - no Agent 007 or Indiana Jones. Quite the contrary. Throughout the entertainment world, since Archie Bunker, fathers have been largely portrayed as hopeless and self-centered fools.

But a dad who has conquered himself and his all-too human selfishness is more handsome to behold than any matinee idol, his story more compelling than any movie plot.

I know because I live with one.

When Tripp married me at Jenner-by-the-Sea, California in 1983, he took on a ready-made family with my two daughters Samantha Sunshine and Jasmine Moondance. Evidently, he enjoyed being a dad - enjoyed it enough to add ten more children to the world, seven on his own steam and three by adoption.

Because of his king-sized heart and steadfast love, 12 children will become adults who have been wrapped securely in a father's love. In a time when a father's love isn't a commodity you can count on, that gives me goosebumps - and not at all the kind I had on that day so far away and long ago.

And so for the sake of the men who matter most: Happy Father's Day to faithful fathers everywhere!




Please remember this Father's Day to pray for those without fathers, as they suffer deep wounds which can often be seen in their destructive and self-destructive behavior.

Remember to include single mothers in your hospitality. Looking back, I can see that it was time spent in contact with intact families that gave me a vision for my future - though I had many problems to work out before I could begin to realize them.

And feel free to add to the conversation here - your experience of growing up with a father or without one and how that has shaped your life.

This is the most important way in which we can shape the future.

My Dad was right about these 18 things

from marcandangel.com  by Marc

Fifteen years ago, when I was a freshman in high school, my English teacher gave my class a homework assignment entitled, “Advice for a Younger Generation.”  The concept of the assignment was simple:  Each student had to interview a person who was over the age of 25, gather enough information to write a basic biography of their life and find out what their top tips are for a younger generation.  I chose to interview my dad.  He was 53 at the time and he gave me 18 pieces of advice.

I had completely forgotten about all this until last week when I was visiting my parents.  My mom had me clean out a few old boxes she had stored in the attic.  In one of these boxes I found the original “Advice for a Younger Generation” assignment dated April 22nd, 1996.  I read through it and was totally blown away.

Even though my dad’s advice is relevant to a person of any age, my 29-year-old self can relate to it in a way my 14-year-old self didn’t quite grasp at the time.  In fact, the first thought that went through my head was, “My dad was right.”

Here are his 18 pieces of advice for a younger generation, transcribed with his permission.

1. Your 30’s, 40’s and 50’s won’t feel like your 30’s, 40’s and 50’s. – Adults are just older children.  When you get older you won’t feel as old as you imagine you will.  For the most part, you still feel exactly the way you feel right now, just a little wiser and more confident.  You’ve had time to establish your place in the world and figure out what’s important to you.  Don’t fear growing up.  Look forward to it.  It’s awesome.
2. Bad things will happen to you and your friends. – Part of living and growing up is experiencing unexpected troubles in life.  People lose jobs, get in car accidents and sometimes die.  When you are younger, and things are going pretty well, this harsh reality can be hard to visualize.  The smartest, and oftentimes hardest, thing we can do in these kinds of situations is to be tempered in our reactions.  To want to scream obscenities, but to wiser and more disciplined than that.  To remember that emotional rage only makes matters worse.  And to remember that tragedies are rarely as bad as they seem, and even when they are, they give us an opportunity to grow stronger.
3. Everyone can make a huge difference. – Making one person smile can change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  So start small and start now.
4. First impressions aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.  – Everyone and everything seems normal from a distance, or at a glance.  The 10th, 20th, or even the 50th impression is when you start to truly understand someone else for who they truly are.
5. Big results come when you narrow your focus. – Concentrate your efforts on smaller and smaller areas.  When your efforts are diffused over a wide area they won’t have much of an impact.  So focus on smaller areas and your efforts will be felt more fully.  It could take time for change to happen, but keep that focus narrow.
6. Love yourself.  Become your own priority. – Strive to be the ‘you’ you want to be.  Nourish your mind and body.  Educate yourself every day until you die.
7. Sometimes you just have to go for it. – Put your uncertainty and fears aside for a second and ask yourself this:  “If I try and I don’t get it right the first time, what will I have lost and what will I have gained?”  The answer is:  You will have lost nothing but a little bit of your time while gaining an important lesson that will help you get it right the second or third time.  People rarely get it right the first time.  In fact, usually the only people who ever get it right are those who continue going for it even when they’ve come up short numerous times before.
8. In order to get, you have to give. – Supporting, guiding and making contributions to other people is one of life’s greatest rewards.  Everything you do comes back around.
9. Not much is worth fighting about. – If you can avoid it, don’t fight.  Step back from arguments with your spouse, family members or neighbors.  When you feel anger surging up and you want to yell that vulgar remark on tip of your tongue, just close your mouth and walk away.  Let yourself calm down.  You don’t have to be right or win an argument.  It just doesn’t matter.
10. Don’t try to impress everyone. – Purposely impressing people is an act that brings nothing b
    1. ut a momentary ego boost.  Be real with people instead.  Connect with fewer people on a level that is deeper and more profound.
    2. Keep having fun. – Fun is way underrated.  With all of life’s responsibilities, fun will sometimes seem like an indulgence.  It shouldn’t be.  It should be a requirement.  Make time for fun.
    3. Keep it simple. – There is a world of magnificence hidden in simplicity.  Pick the five most important things in your life now and focus on those things.  Let the other stuff go.  Stop the busyness and really enjoy what’s important to you.
    4. Little things stick with you. – So pay attention to them.  Like watching your child sleep.  Preparing a meal with your family.  Sharing a great laugh with an old friend.  This is the real stuff life is made of.
    5. Less advice is often the best advice. – People don’t need lots of advice, they need to live.  I’ve seen young, rocky relationships develop into wonderful marriages and fleeting inspirations ignite a lifetime of passion and happiness.  Our life stories, like the answers we give to long essay questions, are uniquely ours.  What people want to know is already somewhere inside of them.  We all just need time to think, be and breathe, and continue to explore the undirected journeys that will eventually help us find our direction.
    6. Manage your time. – Your situation and environment is ever changing, so be careful not to confuse things that are urgent with things that are important.
    7. Manage your money. – Don’t buy stuff you don’t need.  Don’t spend more than you make.  Don’t let your money manage you.
    8. What you learn in school does matter. – While you may not use the specifics of every classroom lesson, every lesson does expand the core thought process of your mind.  Over time you will develop problem solving skills that are universally applicable.  No single classroom lesson can teach this, and no single classroom lesson is more important.
    9. Dreams will remain dreams forever if you don’t take action. – Don’t dream about it anymore.  Start doing it.  In 40 years from now what is it that you will regret not having accomplished, appreciated or attempted?  Do it, appreciate it and attempt it NOW!
    Also, my dad is 68 now and I’m sure he’s learned a few new tricks in the last 15 years.  Earlier today, as I was transcribing this, I asked him if he would share a few of these new tricks with us.  He said he will in the near future, so stand by for an update.  But in the mean time, he told me to tell you to read his two favorite personal development books:  The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and The Millionaire Next Door.