Forgiveness,

Forgive?...Why?

What purpose does forgiving serve? And how do you forgive? The "how" was what I asked myself some 16 years ago, as I went into my divorce feeling emotionally distraught.

We are well-educated in acquisition: Gaining knowledge and qualifications, getting a good job, finding a lifetime partner for marriage, buying a home, cars and extraordinary technological inventions to make our lives more comfortable and enjoyable. Our place in the world often revolves around what we are seen to have. Our beliefs support this reality. We look good and therefore we are good. Celebrities are envied for the lifestyle they have acquired.

But what about letting go? As creatures of habit, we get attached to life's goodies. Our sense of worth and well-being may be closely linked to the material world, and the convictions we have about who we are in it.

Letting go of attachments, and self-forgiving when necessary, do not come easily. Loss can be painful. We more naturally want to strike out and blame someone, almost anyone, rather than accept the pain, be responsible and able to respond to life's changes and challenges. It is as though our life, our survival, depends upon our being "right" about how we think things should be.

Following a radio interview in 1995 on the theme "forgiveness" -- when it is really difficult --the interviewer and I declared March 15 to be International Forgiving Day, to be celebrated annually and globally.

Here is an excerpt from the article, "Choosing to Forgive":

The main purpose of Forgiving Day was to open the conversation on forgiving; to touch into the experience of what forgiving could mean; to accept that sometimes, it is just not possible to forgive; to recognize the value of forgiving.

Over the 10 years that I celebrated the vision with friends, I came to understand much more about how forgiving works and the benefits of forgiving, especially self-forgiving. Since then, the conversation on forgiving has become more widespread. Now, the benefits of forgiving related to health and well-being, better sleep, increasing awareness and intuition, enjoying the present moment and happy relationships have been well documented.

I was keen that the vision not become another "should" that a person had to live up to. This article about a vicar, who cannot forgive tube bombers, quitting the pulpit tells the story of one person who simply could not forgive. The pain of losing her daughter was too great.

If your trajectory through life -- your goals, dreams, plans and aspirations -- has been disrupted by the economic downturn, you might be trying to make new sense of your life purpose. Being willing to let go of all you have worked for may feel counter-intuitive, unless letting go makes space for something better.

Doctors Ron and Mary Hulnick, authors of "Loyalty To Your Soul: The Heart of Spiritual Psychology," write about Compassionate Self-Forgiveness. This process takes forgiveness out of the hands of the ego and into the heart of greater awareness, understanding, love and deep healing. We can become one who is forgiving, starting with ourselves.

In response to my article, "
Can We Be Emotionally Free?" my wise friend Trixie, 93 years young, declared emphatically, "No!" If not free, could we be emotionally flexible? That is to say, could we have the space within us to accept our emotions and ride with them? To forgive ourselves when we react with harshness and criticism, especially towards those we love the most?

One day this week, the winds were high and the sea turbulent. Strong winds speak to me of the "winds of change," where water represents the emotions. On these stormy seas, I watched wind surfers and kite surfers skimming across the rough water surface at high speed, letting the wind carry them along and sometimes high into the air.

The image remains with me as I contemplate how I might soar with the winds of change and not allow myself to be overwhelmed by powerful emotions of resistance, how I might choose the lightness of flow over the reluctance to adapt.

The absence of forgiveness us drags us down. Forgiving liberates us.

In this touching short film by Nic Askew, from "Soul Biographies Collection," Carlos Enrique speaks of his forgiving through the sad loss of his son.

PORTRAIT OF A HUMAN BEING from Nic Askew on Vimeo.

So, why forgive? Could it be, as Doctors Ron and Mary Hulnick offer in their book, that we are not human beings with souls, but we are spiritual beings having a human experience? What if through forgiving, compassion and love we are able to realize more fully who we truly are, beyond the mental and emotional mask of our egos? Could we become more at peace with ourselves and those closest to us? Perhaps our adversaries truly serve as our teachers and guides to bring us back home to our hearts and our deepest connection with others.

Then, a true statement of forgiveness might be, "I forgive myself for forgetting that I am Divine," any time we lose sight of our greater reality.

John-Roger wrote:

Self-forgiveness is not an act of contrition or penance. It is a profound and radical approach to letting go of tensions and problems and preoccupations. When you hold a judgment against someone else, you are holding it inside your own body ... It's much easier to let go and forgive yourself.

 From Huffington Post

Rediscovering forgiveness by Bishop Kevin Farrell, Dallas, TX

It took a couple of thousand years but science has discovered the healing power of forgiveness.

In a recent presentation at the Pontifical College of the Holy Cross in Rome, Dr. Robert Enright, a psychologist at the University of Wisconsin, said that forgiveness is not just a virtue but a valuable therapeutic method.

“Hatred has a long shelf life,” Enright says. “Once it enters into the human heart, it’s hard to get it out. It breeds destruction, discouragement, and hopelessness.” He defines forgiveness as "the foregoing of resentment or revenge when the wrongdoer's actions deserve it and giving the gifts of mercy, generosity and love when the wrongdoer does not deserve them. As we give the gift of forgiveness we ourselves are healed."

Of course Dr. Enright is right on target; his wording is more pragmatic than theological but two millennia before Dr. Enright Jesus not only taught forgiveness but forgiveness without limit, not seven times but seventy times seven.

Every Catholic knows that "scrubbed clean" feeling after you have made a good confession and how a weight is lifted when, after bearing a hurt for a long time, you forgive and ask forgiveness. We also know that anger and hatred poison us more than the object of our scorn.

It is appropriate that the Sacrament of Penance is referred to as the Rite of Reconciliation because forgiveness brings about reconciliation, a healing and a sense of being whole again. One of the powerful elements of the Rite of Reconciliation is that we are told that we are forgiven.

I congratulate Dr. Enright on his work and hope that many learn the healing power of forgiveness from his efforts.

Perhaps it will also remind Catholics of the great gift that they have in the Sacrament of Penance.

Posted by + Kevin Farrell

Letting go of resentments...a holiday gift to yourself and others...

from huffingtonpost.com by Judith Orloff, MD...


"If I stayed angry at other people, I would miss finding friends among those I was angry with."


--Rosa Parks, from an interview in "Positive Energy"

As a psychiatrist, I feel strongly that letting go of resentments, a point I emphasize in my recent book "Emotional Freedom," is essential to free yourself from negativity. The main person the resentment hurts is you.

A resentment is a grudge that you harbor after you've felt mistreated. It's easy to hold on to all the incidents that angered you, from a gossiping hairdresser to a two-timing ex-husband. And, if you took a poll, you'd probably get a lot of people on your side about your right to stay resentful. According to such logic, as time passes, you have "the right" to get angrier, becoming a broken record of complaints. But is that the sour person you want to be? Instead, for emotional freedom, try to release resentments and let compassion purify them. One friend, in the midst of that process, likened uncovering resentments to "dragging dead bodies out of a well." You don't want moldering negativity rotting your psyche.

Forgiveness is a state of grace, nothing you can force or pretend. I guide patients toward the large-heartedness to forgive both injuries others have caused and those they've self-inflicted. Forgiveness penetrates the impenetrable -- the obstinacy that stifles love, the tenacious pain that dams our energy reserves.

A Stanford research study showed that forgiveness significantly decreases stress, rage and psychosomatic symptoms. I'm not saying that betrayal is ever justified, that you aren't entitled to be upset if someone wrongs you, or that you shouldn't try to improve or else leave a destructive situation. Forgiveness, though, ensures that resentments don't feed on your energy. Finally, remember forgiveness refers to the actor, not the act -- not the offense but the woundedness of the offender.

Continue to read...

Could we learn something from the Amish?...The most important things to teach children?"..."To work and to obey."

from Huffington Post...


Oct. 2 marked the fourth anniversary of the tragic schoolhouse shooting in Nickel Mines, Penn., when a non-Amish neighbor unleashed his anger toward God for allowing his firstborn daughter to die nine years earlier. He shot 10 young Amish girls execution style, killing five and seriously injuring the rest before turning the gun on himself.

Within hours of the shooting, several Amish people, at their own initiative, visited the gunman's widow and his parents and offered words of grace and forgiveness. Other expressions of forgiveness by Amish people for the gunman and his family soon followed. More than half of those at his burial were Amish neighbors, some of whom had buried their own children the day before. The story of forgiveness startled the world. Why did Amish people offer almost instantaneous forgiveness in the wake of such a tragedy?

As I interviewed them after the shooting, I discovered that old-fashioned obedience explained their forgiveness. They said that they were simply obeying Jesus' instructions to love enemies and forgive transgressors. Moreover, obeying God lies at the heart of their faith.

As I talked with parents I found that obedience is also the key to Amish child rearing. While modern child rearing emphasizes individualism, independence, choice and self-actualization, the Amish accent obedience, respect for authority and cooperation with others.

When asked, "What are the most important things to teach children?" one Amish grandmother replied, "To work and to obey." These words would hardly top the list of child-rearing goals in modern households. For many of us, obedience training applies mostly to dogs. In Amish life it pertains to people, beginning with children. Amish child-rearing literature abounds with references to obedience because it's a core value of their faith. In Amish eyes, disobedience is a sin, a signpost on the road to eternal damnation.

Most Christians would agree that children should obey their parents. But Amish understandings of obedience go deeper: Church members follow church regulations such as not owning cars because compliance signals their obedience to God. By teaching their children the habits of obedience, parents point them toward heaven and safeguard them from hell.

I told Hannah, an Amish mother of seven, that many non-Amish people are astonished that Amish offspring are so quiet, well mannered and well behaved. "Why might that be?" I asked. Without hesitation or a trace of humor, she responded, "Oh, it's the spanking that makes them so nice."

Hannah explained that, when children are about two years old, their wills need to be broken. If it's not done at that stage, she said, they will likely become disobedient, rebellious adults. The spanking helps correct them and "make them nice." Another mother explained that when children learn to fold their hands at prayer time, they are old enough to be reprimanded with light spanks when disobedient.

Amish parents turn to the words of King Solomon to support corporal discipline: "He that spareth his rod hateth his son; but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes" (Proverbs 13:24). They also note that the book of Hebrews suggests that God disciplines Christians as a father disciplines a son and that such discipline yields "the peaceable fruit of righteousness" (Hebrews 12:11).

Parents are quick to say, however, that spanking and other forms of physical discipline should never be done in anger or frustration. The child should understand the reason for discipline so that "punishment ends on a happy note, sweet and forgiving," says Naomi, a mother. She adds that because correction ultimately "leads to happiness ... [discipline] must be the result of our love for the child's happiness, both now and in the hereafter."

These links -- between spanking, happiness and heaven -- provide the framework for Amish child discipline, an approach that nurtures obedience instead of individuality. It's a framework that disturbs modern sensitivities. Naomi disagrees. In fact, she believes that letting children go without discipline is "the cruelest kind of child abuse." She poses the question rhetorically: "Now wouldn't it be abusive above all abuses to withhold from our children the training they need for a life of discipline and self-control, of service to God?"

This countercultural view of child rearing lies at the heart of Amish society. We can praise the Amish for their forgiving response at Nickel Mines and we may yearn for a simpler and less frazzled Amish-style life. We may even seek to sew some patches of Amish faith onto our own spirituality and instill some old-fashioned virtues into the lives of our own children. Such fine intentions will fail, the Amish contend, without a generous dose of obedience training.

Donald B. Kraybill is co-author of The Amish Way: Patient Faith in a Perilous World.


Amish Autumn  in Southern Indiana video...