A guide to 'good enough' parenting

OSV Online by Russell Shaw:

Back in prehistoric times when my wife and I were busy doing our parenting, I paid very little attention to the many books that promised to tell me how to do the job really well. My loss, I suppose. Yet I can’t help thinking my omission may have reflected a healthy instinct.

After all, if I’d spent a lot of time studying some expert’s version of what an ideal father was like, chances are good that I’d only have ended up depressed at how far short my own efforts fell — and at the realization that, no matter how many books I read, they probably wouldn’t get a whole lot better. Being a parent is hard enough without making yourself feel worse about your inadequacies than you already do. Let mediocre be mediocre, I say.

Perhaps it’s this inglorious personal history that moves me now, midway between Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, to say few kind words on behalf of the sort of parents many of us either are or once were — parents, that is, who are not Wonder Mom and Super Dad but only good enough.

Being a parent is probably the most important job most people will ever have and one for which few receive any formal training. Under the circumstances, being good enough is no small thing, especially since the real-life alternative usually isn’t being Super Dad or Wonder Mom but being a total flop.

What does a good enough parent look like?

Good enough parents often don’t know just what to say or do in times of family crisis, but at least they stick around when things get tough and see it through to the end as best they can.

Good enough parents sometimes blow their stacks when provoked beyond endurance by their little darlings (or their spouses), but they usually don’t smash the furniture and they generally calm down fairly soon.

Good enough parents don’t really care that much about a lot of the things that interest their children (a good enough father, for instance, may not play basketball or have any interest in the sport), but they’re reasonably adept at faking enthusiasm for harmless stuff that fascinates their kids.

And religion? The notion of being good enough applies here too, but the standard of what that means in practice has to be a good deal higher. “It appears that the relative religious laxity of most U.S. Catholic teenagers significantly reflects the religious laxity of their parents,” one researcher says. Studies of young people who care little or nothing about faith have shown that they generally are the products of homes where parents don’t care much about it either. This confirms the well-known rule of parenting that although your kids may not pick up your good habits, almost always they’ll pick up your bad ones.

That doesn’t mean a good enough parent has to be an honest to goodness saint, but at least he or she has to be seen giving it an honest try and continuing the effort day-in and day-out in ways kids can observe. Consider, too, that good enough parenting itself may be a way to sainthood.

In these confused times, when many Americans duck marriage and parenthood entirely, it would be foolish to chide those who still take up the challenge for not doing better at it. The message should be that they’re doing plenty — and something almost everybody can manage — by being good enough. And then, just possibly, they really will be Wonder Mom or Super Dad.

Russell Shaw is an OSV contributing editor.

We say 'I love you' all the time...but something's going wrong here

National Catholic Register:

As a perceptive child, I made it my job to notice every little thing my parents did wrong in raising me, and I swore not to make the mistakes they made. One of the chief things I was going to do differently was to tell my kids I loved them all the time. I remember seeing television specials about this exact subject. Parents needed to tell their kids they loved them more.

So now I’m all grown up and I tell my kids I love them all the time. Seriously, not a day goes by without hugs and kisses. And I’m not the only one. I hear it a lot from parents.

When I was a kid, if we heard any parent say to a kid that they loved him, it was instant Lord of the Flies time. It was chum in the water. We’d all be blowing the kid kisses, rhyming his name, and singing that he was sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g his Mom. We were idiots.

When I was a kid, my Mom would drop me off at baseball practice and come back hours after practice was done because she was bolting around picking up her other idiot children. But today, I see parents gather on the sidelines at soccer practice, and when the kids come over for water all the parents make sure they’re hydrated, they compliment them that they are the most awesomely awesome soccer player in that time zone, and they tell them they love them. And that’s the new normal. And there’s plenty right and wonderful about that. Because I’m usually chasing three or four other children, the most my kids can usually get from me on the sideline is me throwing a water bottle near them and maybe a wink. But I’m the exception on the sideline. I’m telling you that this generation of children is likely the most verbally adored generation this country has ever known.

So how come kids seem to be getting worse?

I don’t think I’ve got a case of premature old-man-itis. There are a lot of really really rude kids around now. My kids seem to me like pretty good kids. I’m sometimes laughed at by the other parents for how strict I am with them. But I’ve gotta’ tell you, I see kids talking back to their parents and rolling their eyes right to their face. I see temper tantrums. I see kids hitting their parents. All the time.

Let me tell you something, if I ever rolled my eyes at my mother I’d have been chasing my eyes because they would’ve been rolling down the street from the slap I would’ve received.

Today, dads and moms go to practices, dancing lessons, and pick their kids up from school. I’m honestly not even sure my Dad knew where my school was. And if I ever saw my Dad at my school I probably would’ve run out the back door, burned my G.O. card, changed my name, and started a new life at a place where kids whose dads are out to kill them go. Seriously, if I saw my Dad at school that meant I was in trouble.

But nowadays, parents seem like they’re friends with the children’s teachers. You’d think a line of communication like that would likely spell doom for kids, but no. They laugh and chat and then the kid says nasty things and rolls his eyes and ... nothing happens. The parents and teachers commiserate with each other. They don’t plan how to change the situation. And I’m not blaming the teachers. It’s the parents.

Maybe it has something to do with parents wanting to be more like their kids. Maybe it’s because parents want to be their kids’ friends rather than parents. Maybe it’s because other adults in the neighborhood don’t scare kids anymore. When I was a kid, I pretty much thought every adult in the neighborhood had full rights to wallop me if I even walked on their lawn. That’s what made cutting through people’s properties so dangerous. We believed there was a real chance of a serious beatdown. To be honest, we didn’t get beaten by neighbors much (except one time Pat got housed by the lady who lived behind us. Ask him. See if he’ll tell you about it in the combox), but we thought every adult had the right to punish us or drag us to our parents by the ear. Most kids don’t fear other adults anymore. And maybe it might just be that people aren’t having as many children as they used to. Maybe when a kid is one of four, five, six or more they learn patience and they learn it’s not all about them, and they learn that they’re not the best at everything.

Now, I understand that parents want to get along with their kids. I see the good in kids not fearing other adults. And I hear people say they don’t want to have more kids because they want to lavish attention and love on the kids they already have.

I don’t know what’s going on, but I know that something’s going wrong. Very wrong.

Billy Ray's regrets

from the Catholic Exchange

In 2007, I wrote a column about the iconic (because of the mullet) Billy Ray Cyrus and his famous daughter, Miley, criticizing the celebrity dad for describing his relationship with his daughter as that of “best friends.”

Back then, Mr. Cyrus and Miley were riding the Disney Channel wave, starring in the wildly successful show “Hannah Montana.” In an interview, the former one-hit wonder turned family man/actor (don’t pretend you don’t remember “Achy Breaky Heart”) discussed his faith-based approach to parenting and revealed that the real reason he took the role of Hannah Montana’s sitcom father was to have something to do while he supervised his underage daughter on the set.

His repeated references to his Christian faith, his apparent dedication to his wife and four other children, and his earnest hope to control the media frenzy around his child-star daughter, struck me as laudable.

But that whole “best friend” thing irked me. Here’s what I said then: “I don’t really believe Cyrus wants to play the role of Miley’s BFF. But when he had the chance to say so, I just wish Billy Ray had made a stronger statement about the part that only he can play (and apparently the casting folks at Disney agree) — that of a father.”

I was wrong. He did want to be Miley’s best friend.

Mr. Cyrus didn’t read that column, nor did he listen to lots of other folks who admonished him to be a stronger father to his vulnerable daughter. Today, he regrets it.

In an article in the March issue of GQ magazine, Mr. Cyrus says “Hannah Montana” destroyed his family, causing his marriage to fail and Miss Cyrus to spin out of control.

Miss Cyrus, for those who follow only serious news, has spent the better part of three years transitioning from “tween idol” to “tacky teen star,” with missteps such as a partially nude Annie Leibovitz photo shoot, an appearance on a Teen Choice Awards show that included pole-dancing choreography and, more recently, alleged photos of her smoking from a bong at her 18th birthday party.

In the GQ article, based on a December interview with Mr. Cyrus at his home in Tennessee where he now lives alone, the veteran singer/actor acknowledges that he made mistakes. “How many interviews did I give and say, ‘You know what’s important between me and Miley is I try to be a friend to my kids’? I said it a lot. And sometimes I would even read other parents might say, ‘You don’t need to be a friend, you need to be a parent.’ Well, I’m the first guy to say to them right now: You were right.”

Today, his daughter’s future is being directed by “handlers” who apparently have little interest in her well-being and none in Mr. Cyrus’ input, and his entire family is essentially obliterated.

Mr. Cyrus now wishes the Disney gig had never come along, though he expresses this notion as though it were something that just fell into their lives like an unexpected rainstorm. “I hate to say it, but … I’d erase it all in a second if I could,” he said.

It’s a cautionary American tale: Be careful what you wish for, especially if it’s fame and fortune. In today’s culture, a solid marriage based on the foundation of a shared faith is no match for the vagaries of child stardom and all its attendant idolatry.

Then again, on the slim chance Mr. Cyrus reads my column this time around, it wasn’t “Hannah Montana” that destroyed your family, sir. It was the fault of a husband and father who led them into the lion’s den, and now wonders why they were eaten alive.

Yin and Yang of parenting

from Catholic Mom

Families are the first site for the battle between the sexes. Ever since Adam ate the apple that Eve offered him, it has raged. Surely by the time Cain and Abel were born there were plenty of disagreements. We can just imagine the arguments.

Adam: Cain is just not a masculine enough sounding name. If you don’t give a boy the right name, he’ll be marred for life.

Eve: The boys could choke on those apple slices. After all, that’s what got us into trouble to begin with.

At times, it really does seem that we are from different planets sometimes, or even from distant galaxies. Once a man and woman share the experience of parenthood you might think however, that we would join closer than ever; more one than two. But in reality, men and women continue to see things very differently.

So, in the interest of promoting better understanding, we (the parents of ten children) have put our heads together to share our different perspectives.

Parenting According to Him

There is no such thing as a unisex name. There are boys’ names and girls’ names. If it’s a name that can be used for both boys and girls, then it’s really a girl’s name.

We men can get little feet into the footies on sleepers but we cannot manage itty bitty socks with itty bitty shoes. Our hands are too big and clumsy to tie those things. And why would a baby need shoes before he can walk anyways?

No, I am not secretly ecstatic that everyone says the baby looks exactly like me and nothing like you.

The “football” hold is a perfectly safe and legitimate style of holding a baby.

Fathers were made for playing with their children and mothers for bathing, feeding and diapering. How do I know this? Well, you started practicing years ago with your dolls and stuffed animals. We future fathers never bathed, dressed or fed our toys.

I don’t do baby powders and lotions. You don’t need to add anything to make the baby smell like a baby. That’s already what they smell like. And, by the way, when someone talks about a baby smell, spit-up and poop always come to my mind.

It is not necessary to comb the hair of a child under three years of age.

The first person who hears the baby cry at night is the one who should get up. It’s not fair to kick me and then pretend you are asleep.

It’s okay for my daughter to be a daddy’s girl but it is not all right for my son to be a momma’s boy. Don’t ask me why; I did not make the rules.

It’s not my fault that he said “da-da” first. And just because he’s saying it when he needs a new diaper, does not mean he is calling for me to change it.

Now, this is a very important rule. When the baby is sick, father’s can walk with them and rock them, but men do not clean up throw up. It is not that we do not want to. Really, we would not mind at all. It’s just that our big, clumsy hands do not do a very good job and it’s very important the clean up is done correctly.

It doesn’t matter what outfit a father picks out to dress them for church, it won’t be the right one. So we don’t worry whether it looks right or not. It will be changed.

If we have to make dinner, grilling on the barbecue is the key. Kids are impressed that you know how to make a fire.

Mom’s will cheat to lose at games while we men still play to win. We can’t help it. But then we really do feel guilty when our kids cry because they lost.

Parenting According to Her

Dust Busters were not made for toddler’s after-meal clean ups.

Time for rough-housing and bedtime are not the same time.

Infants are too young to catch footballs. Neither will watching Monday night football with you increase their athletic ability later on in life.

Disposable diapers were not intended for four or five uses.

Food on our child’s face does not add character. And just because it is a moving target does not mean you don’t have to wash his face off after meals.

It’s a sin to pretend you are sleeping when the baby wakes up crying at night.

Talking and singing to the baby are excellent bonding and mind developing activities. Making faces and stupid noises will only confuse him.

The reason I am always telling you what to do is so that you will know how to do it, not so that you will tell me that since I know so much that I should do it myself.

I know you don’t understand velcro hair ribbons, lacy socks and shiny buckle shoes with holes for buckles the size of a pin head, but they will look sooo cute.

Now that I’m a mom, I still want you to think I’m attractive but when I’m tired and feel like a cow I don’t want you to treat me like you are attracted to me but if I tell you I’m tired and look like a cow I want you to tell me that I’m still attractive. Are you following all this?

If I was strong-willed and opinionated before the baby, I’m worse now.

Walking around with a baby on your shoulders is not a good idea–it makes the mom way too nervous.

Blowing on a dropped pacifier does not sanitize it.

Getting a dog for the baby is not a good idea. In the long run it is much easier just to clean up under the high chair ourselves.

It only takes a little patience and a good aim to get the baby cereal in his mouth. Don’t think you fool me by plastering half of it on his face and bib just to get the job over with.

Diaper bags are NOT purses so your masculinity will not come into question if you carry one.

It is not acceptable for you to offer money to people to change the diaper when it is your turn.

Can You Make Teens Go to Mass?

Post on Faith and Family blog asks... 

Q. As our oldest son has become a teenager, he has begun to balk at going to Mass, and he has started to question aspects of the Catholic faith that he has always taken for granted. Should we compel him to go to Mass with us?

A. Having your sweet little boy become a skeptical young man opens up a whole new parenting challenge. We know, as our oldest is on the verge of turning 13 any day now! One thing we won’t resort to is simply demanding that he go to Mass, no discussion. Mass attendance will be mandatory for anyone living in our house, but we must be willing to engage in conversation about why we do what we do.

Teens are at the point where they must make the faith their own.

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Tips for dining out with kids

Have you ever been trapped at a restaurant table with or near an ubruly child or grand child? You will appreciate 10 Tips For Dining Out With Your Child (or grandchild) .



You might find yourself agreeing with more than just the author’s approach to eating out with her child, but with much of her approach to parenting in general.

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